Thursday September 27th 2018 - Day 2569 - Lessons in love (A Parody)
The setting is a suite in the Dorchester Hotel in London. Present are: the seminal artist/former lead singer of the Smiths, Morrissey, Morrissey's long-time writing partner/multi-instrumentalist/Greggs shareholder/wine-maker/Pole Cat/musical director, Martin 'Boz' Boorer, guitarist/former member of Splendid, Jesse Tobias, towel wafter/bag carrier/quiff arranger, Damon Anacreonte and multi award winning funny man, Ricky Gervais. It is present day.
A large wall-mounted screen is showing footage of Johnny Marr in concert. He is singing the song, Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me. Morrissey is holding a remote control and pauses the video.
MORRISSEY (addressing Jesse): Well, what do you make of that?
JESSE (speaking in a thick Spanish accent): I no want to say. You 'ave treeked me beef four with ree-gards to these man and I wheel not fall into your trap again.
MORRISSEY (speaking to Ricky): What did he say? I couldn't understand a sodding word.
GERVAIS (grinning like a Cheshire cat and screaming hysterically with laughter): I don't know Moz, I couldn't understand a word either. He's hilarious. Is he for real?
MORRISSEY (speaking to Boz): What on earth is this man laughing at? Every time I see him he seems to justbe laughing and making that horrible high pitched wailing noise. It's most off putting. Now, Boz, do you know what Solomon just said?
BOZ: That's Jesse, Moz. Solomon's no longer with us.
MORRISSEY: I'm sorry to hear that, when did he die?
BOZ: Who?
MORRISSEY: What do you mean who?
BOZ: What do you mean, what do I mean who?
Morrissey puts his head in his hands.
MORRISSEY (talking to himself): I am surrounded by idiots.
BOZ: Oh, I get it. You mean when did Solomon die?
MORRISSEY: Hallelujah, at last a coherent response.
BOZ: He hasn't died, I meant he's no longer in the band, you fired him a few years ago after the that fight.
MORRISSEY: Oh yes, now I remember. So who's this chap?
BOZ: What chap?
MORRISSEY (pointing at Jesse): HIM!
JESSE: I am Jesse, Moz. I 'ave bean in your band for thirteen years.
MORRISSEY: Is it really that long? Hmm, you probably shouldn't have reminded me of the time scale, old son, longevity isn't a plus point in this game, unless you're me of course, which you very obviously aren't. Perhaps it's time to get some younger blood into the Morrissey band. Anyway, we have digressed. The reason I have invited you and Boz to my suite is because of HIM (Morrissey points to the paused image of Johnny Marr on the screen). Let me ask you again, what did you think of that performance I have just shown you; although I may be doing a disservice to seals when I use that word in this context, as I've seen more life in the roadkill on the M56.
BOZ (whispering to Jesse): I think we are safe to criticise. You were right to be guarded, but he's obviously in one of his anti-Johnny moods.
MORRISSEY: What are you whispering about?
BOZ: Oh, er nothing, Moz, I was just explaining to Jesse what the M56 was.
MORRISSEY: Was? Do you not mean IS, or has the M56 disappeared overnight? (Turning to Gervais) Ricky, to your knowledge has the M56 disappeared?
GERVAIS (whopping and wailing with laughter): A-ha ha ha ha. Oh, God, I think I'm going to wet myself. This is hilarious. I'm going to use this in my next stand-up show.
MORRISSEY: Really? It's amazing what people find funny these days. We really aren't getting anywhere. Boz, the reason I have asked you and Jesse to my suite is because I need to learn how to play the guitar badly, and you two are going to teach me.
JESSE: We can teach you good guitar, se�or Moz, not badly.
MORRISSEY: If I'd wanted to learn to play good guitar *tuts at himself* I mean, if I had wanted to learn the guitar well, I wouldn't have invited you two, I would have invited Eric Clapton or Bert Weedon or HIM (points at the screen). You two have been specially selected so that I can show HIM (points at the screen) how it feels to have your heart ripped apart by someone doing what they were never designed to do.
(To be continued.....maybe.)
A large wall-mounted screen is showing footage of Johnny Marr in concert. He is singing the song, Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me. Morrissey is holding a remote control and pauses the video.
MORRISSEY (addressing Jesse): Well, what do you make of that?
JESSE (speaking in a thick Spanish accent): I no want to say. You 'ave treeked me beef four with ree-gards to these man and I wheel not fall into your trap again.
MORRISSEY (speaking to Ricky): What did he say? I couldn't understand a sodding word.
GERVAIS (grinning like a Cheshire cat and screaming hysterically with laughter): I don't know Moz, I couldn't understand a word either. He's hilarious. Is he for real?
MORRISSEY (speaking to Boz): What on earth is this man laughing at? Every time I see him he seems to justbe laughing and making that horrible high pitched wailing noise. It's most off putting. Now, Boz, do you know what Solomon just said?
BOZ: That's Jesse, Moz. Solomon's no longer with us.
MORRISSEY: I'm sorry to hear that, when did he die?
BOZ: Who?
MORRISSEY: What do you mean who?
BOZ: What do you mean, what do I mean who?
Morrissey puts his head in his hands.
MORRISSEY (talking to himself): I am surrounded by idiots.
BOZ: Oh, I get it. You mean when did Solomon die?
MORRISSEY: Hallelujah, at last a coherent response.
BOZ: He hasn't died, I meant he's no longer in the band, you fired him a few years ago after the that fight.
MORRISSEY: Oh yes, now I remember. So who's this chap?
BOZ: What chap?
MORRISSEY (pointing at Jesse): HIM!
JESSE: I am Jesse, Moz. I 'ave bean in your band for thirteen years.
MORRISSEY: Is it really that long? Hmm, you probably shouldn't have reminded me of the time scale, old son, longevity isn't a plus point in this game, unless you're me of course, which you very obviously aren't. Perhaps it's time to get some younger blood into the Morrissey band. Anyway, we have digressed. The reason I have invited you and Boz to my suite is because of HIM (Morrissey points to the paused image of Johnny Marr on the screen). Let me ask you again, what did you think of that performance I have just shown you; although I may be doing a disservice to seals when I use that word in this context, as I've seen more life in the roadkill on the M56.
BOZ (whispering to Jesse): I think we are safe to criticise. You were right to be guarded, but he's obviously in one of his anti-Johnny moods.
MORRISSEY: What are you whispering about?
BOZ: Oh, er nothing, Moz, I was just explaining to Jesse what the M56 was.
MORRISSEY: Was? Do you not mean IS, or has the M56 disappeared overnight? (Turning to Gervais) Ricky, to your knowledge has the M56 disappeared?
GERVAIS (whopping and wailing with laughter): A-ha ha ha ha. Oh, God, I think I'm going to wet myself. This is hilarious. I'm going to use this in my next stand-up show.
MORRISSEY: Really? It's amazing what people find funny these days. We really aren't getting anywhere. Boz, the reason I have asked you and Jesse to my suite is because I need to learn how to play the guitar badly, and you two are going to teach me.
JESSE: We can teach you good guitar, se�or Moz, not badly.
MORRISSEY: If I'd wanted to learn to play good guitar *tuts at himself* I mean, if I had wanted to learn the guitar well, I wouldn't have invited you two, I would have invited Eric Clapton or Bert Weedon or HIM (points at the screen). You two have been specially selected so that I can show HIM (points at the screen) how it feels to have your heart ripped apart by someone doing what they were never designed to do.
(To be continued.....maybe.)
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