Wednesday July 25th 2018 - Day 2506 - Bored before he even began
I was really quite pleased with my blog entry of yesterday, and I wasn't the only one, with praise coming from the very top - although disappointingly, it transpires that my George Best theory was totally and utterly wrong.
Just 15 minutes after I had published yesterday's FTM blog entry - and before I had even tweeted to let people know that it existed - I received a tweet from Morrissey (as Feeble Fed) which read, "A fully mesmerising blog today". I was thrilled to receive such praise, and surprised that he had seen it so soon after it was published. Perhaps one of his lackeys has set up a notifications on his smart phone to alert him to any publication that mentions his name, or perhaps he is currently so bored that he was sat on his couch refreshing FTM every ten minutes.....actually, no one could be that bored, but further tweets and conversations throughout the day would reveal that Morrissey was indeed, bored, VERY bored in fact, but also in good spirits. Let me tell you more....
I thanked Fed for calling my blog entry mesmerising, and asked if I was wrong with my George Best theory. I got the reply, "Naturally" - I have more to report about this later. Incidentally, it is interesting that Morrissey has gone back to spelling mesmerising the English way instead of the American way with a z. I guess it was just a phase.
GEORGE BEST - NOT THE BLUE-EYED DREAMER
Feeble Fed and I then had a very interesting conversation about Low In High School - well, I found it interesting, Morrissey soon got bored:
ME: Blue Dreamers Eyes should have been on LIHS - why oh why didn't it make the cut? Although, what would have made way for it?
MOZ: I like how your mind works. Sometimes. It could have easily taken the place of two songs.
ME: I guess at least I do let my mind work. Sometimes. Will you say which two? I would guess All The Young People and The Girl From Tel Aviv.
MOZ: Incorrect. All The Young People is a particular favourite.
ME: But you didn't mention Girl From Tel. In that case, When You Open Your Legs?
MOZ: No.
ME: The only other one it could possibly be is Who Will Protect Us From the Police, but they are different style songs....perhaps that is why Protect Us made the cut?
MOZ: Wrong again. Why change the habit of a lifetime?
(Ed - that last comment made me smile as it was the exact same wording that Alfsbutton had used just a few moments earlier in a DM conversation with me - more about that conversation later. Now, back to this conversation with Feeble Fed)
ME: Ffs. I can't think what other one would have even been considered. They are all too good. Surely not Israel?
MOZ: Israel is a masterpiece.
ME: I know. The only other possible, possible is I Wish You Lonely.
MOZ: I'm bored of this now also. Jacky and STDIB
Well, there we have it. From the horses mouth - albeit a horse disguised as a French drag act!
FEEBLE FEDELMA
Feeble Fed's only other tweet of yesterday afternoon was to discourage me from presenting FTM as a vlog, which had sort of been suggested by Rob (@geniussteals), who had kindly(?) tweeted, "An audiobook? Poetic ramblings of your shite?", to which Fed interacted, "Do not encourage. Imagine a daily podcast of FTM. I suspect Rat's voice is very similar to Joe Pasquale."
Going back to my conversation with Moz about LIHS, the reason that he used the word 'also' when stating that he was bored, is because that previously mentioned DM conversation that I had with him as Alfsbutton previous to the conversation I had with him as Feeble Fed about LIHS, also resulted in me boring him. Confused? You should be, but here for the record is that DM conversation with Moz as Alf:
MOZ: I'm in the most generous mood. You maybe able to take advantage of this. Perhaps another exclusive?
ME: A parody? A new song? What do you feel like giving me? How exciting. Here, have a present from me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3f2r8cGwhsQ (Ed - it is a documentary from 1968 on Glaswegian knife gangs)
MOZ: Thank you. I will watch later on. Do you have any burning questions you need to ask me? No more than 20, no less than 18.
I had already prepared some questions the other day, so I sent him those, but the reply I got wasn't particularly encouraging:
"One does not answer pre-prepared questions. This is akin to fast food and lord knows I'm not called Sharon trying to feed her fat brat."
NOT SHARON
However, despite not liking the questions, M started to randomly answer some of them as Parody Moz. I am hoping that he still might answer them as Real Moz, but we shall see. Here are the Pardoy Moz answers he rattled off:
"14. (Ed - Question 14 was List your Top 3 Breathtaking Views) My quiff, the last vegan wagon wheel in the pack when you are alone, the crowd asleep during I'm Throwing my arms around Paris."
"15. (Ed - Question 15 was List your Top 3 Most admired people - dead) Why would I want my admired people dead? Are you suggesting I commit suicide?"
And then came the boredom:
"I'm bored already. I may come back to this. You will be the last to know. Why should we change a habit of a lifetime."
Alf's only appearance in the main bar of The Wrong Arms was to suggest we use a chat room. I told him that I couldn't remember where we had left any of them, to which he replied, "Skips, lifts, graves. I found one down the back of Soloman's sofa. No that's not euphemism."
I then found the old BRS Chat room, so a bored Moz (as Feeble Fed), myself and a couple of others went back to the old house. I won't publish the whole of our chat because not only would it take up far too much space, but I am wary that Morrissey is quite protective of private conversations, so I will only report things here that are of public interest.....which makes me sound like the editor of the Daily Fail.
One such thing of public interest is a conversation we had about: the song Blue Dreamers Eyes, my George Best theory, my mother theory and death:
ME: Is the George Best theory really wrong? I was sure you were pointing me there.
MOZ: Completely wrong. But again I enjoy seeing how your mind works.
ME: Then it is about you. And the hand on the belly?
MOZ: Your Mother theory could be correct there. Who knows?
ME: I've always gotten the feeling from your lyrics that you think your Mother will outlive you. Why?
MOZ: I think we all feel like that. Our starting point in life has not been as healthy as theirs was back in the day. We have more stress, eat more processed foods and our generation flood the NHS with diabetes and cancer. If you look at the celebrity deaths in 2016 most were in their 50's and 60's.
ME: You must have gone through a period where you were surprised you woke each morning. During 2016, were you almost expecting to be next?
MOZ: That made me laugh, how does one answer that? I suppose I ought to say for the benefit of the guests that I was willing myself to die each night whilst asleep. But this of course is not true.
(At this point someone called Mat interjected)
MAT: Sometimes I expect to see that headline.
MOZ: One day you will see that headline......On Altrincham Today
ME: Altrincham Today headline - 'Local Former Singer of The Smiths Dies in Wood End Care Home - Aged 112'
MOZ: 112?
He signed off by writing, "One must dash. The allotment does not weed itself."
M returned just over an hour later, stating, "Have I mentioned that I am frightfully bored?" and then adding, "What is one to do on a dreary Tuesday evening?....It is Tuesday?" The conversation was all pretty nondescript and forty minutes later at just after 6.30 pm, Morrissey exited again, signing off with, "Time for my seminal bath. Goodbye."
SEMINAL BATH - WE COULD DO WITH A MORE UP TO DATE PICTURE OF MORRISSEY IN THE BATH, THERE HASN'T BEEN ONE PUBLISHED FOR YEAR. RICKY GERVAIS PUBLISHES SUCH PHOTOS WEEKLY!
And now we wait to see if those questions I submitted get answered - either by Morrissey or Parody Moz, or perhaps both, as was hinted whilst we were in the chat room.
Last night I found it quite difficult to get to sleep. I was still buzzing from the fact I had spent the whole afternoon in the company of Morrissey, and yet for him it was a wasted afternoon, in which he was bored before it even began, was bored during it, and will have nodded off to sleep without a buzz in his body. It's a funny old world.
Just 15 minutes after I had published yesterday's FTM blog entry - and before I had even tweeted to let people know that it existed - I received a tweet from Morrissey (as Feeble Fed) which read, "A fully mesmerising blog today". I was thrilled to receive such praise, and surprised that he had seen it so soon after it was published. Perhaps one of his lackeys has set up a notifications on his smart phone to alert him to any publication that mentions his name, or perhaps he is currently so bored that he was sat on his couch refreshing FTM every ten minutes.....actually, no one could be that bored, but further tweets and conversations throughout the day would reveal that Morrissey was indeed, bored, VERY bored in fact, but also in good spirits. Let me tell you more....
I thanked Fed for calling my blog entry mesmerising, and asked if I was wrong with my George Best theory. I got the reply, "Naturally" - I have more to report about this later. Incidentally, it is interesting that Morrissey has gone back to spelling mesmerising the English way instead of the American way with a z. I guess it was just a phase.
GEORGE BEST - NOT THE BLUE-EYED DREAMER
Feeble Fed and I then had a very interesting conversation about Low In High School - well, I found it interesting, Morrissey soon got bored:
ME: Blue Dreamers Eyes should have been on LIHS - why oh why didn't it make the cut? Although, what would have made way for it?
MOZ: I like how your mind works. Sometimes. It could have easily taken the place of two songs.
ME: I guess at least I do let my mind work. Sometimes. Will you say which two? I would guess All The Young People and The Girl From Tel Aviv.
MOZ: Incorrect. All The Young People is a particular favourite.
ME: But you didn't mention Girl From Tel. In that case, When You Open Your Legs?
MOZ: No.
ME: The only other one it could possibly be is Who Will Protect Us From the Police, but they are different style songs....perhaps that is why Protect Us made the cut?
MOZ: Wrong again. Why change the habit of a lifetime?
(Ed - that last comment made me smile as it was the exact same wording that Alfsbutton had used just a few moments earlier in a DM conversation with me - more about that conversation later. Now, back to this conversation with Feeble Fed)
ME: Ffs. I can't think what other one would have even been considered. They are all too good. Surely not Israel?
MOZ: Israel is a masterpiece.
ME: I know. The only other possible, possible is I Wish You Lonely.
MOZ: I'm bored of this now also. Jacky and STDIB
Well, there we have it. From the horses mouth - albeit a horse disguised as a French drag act!
FEEBLE FEDELMA
Feeble Fed's only other tweet of yesterday afternoon was to discourage me from presenting FTM as a vlog, which had sort of been suggested by Rob (@geniussteals), who had kindly(?) tweeted, "An audiobook? Poetic ramblings of your shite?", to which Fed interacted, "Do not encourage. Imagine a daily podcast of FTM. I suspect Rat's voice is very similar to Joe Pasquale."
Going back to my conversation with Moz about LIHS, the reason that he used the word 'also' when stating that he was bored, is because that previously mentioned DM conversation that I had with him as Alfsbutton previous to the conversation I had with him as Feeble Fed about LIHS, also resulted in me boring him. Confused? You should be, but here for the record is that DM conversation with Moz as Alf:
MOZ: I'm in the most generous mood. You maybe able to take advantage of this. Perhaps another exclusive?
ME: A parody? A new song? What do you feel like giving me? How exciting. Here, have a present from me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3f2r8cGwhsQ (Ed - it is a documentary from 1968 on Glaswegian knife gangs)
MOZ: Thank you. I will watch later on. Do you have any burning questions you need to ask me? No more than 20, no less than 18.
I had already prepared some questions the other day, so I sent him those, but the reply I got wasn't particularly encouraging:
"One does not answer pre-prepared questions. This is akin to fast food and lord knows I'm not called Sharon trying to feed her fat brat."
NOT SHARON
However, despite not liking the questions, M started to randomly answer some of them as Parody Moz. I am hoping that he still might answer them as Real Moz, but we shall see. Here are the Pardoy Moz answers he rattled off:
"14. (Ed - Question 14 was List your Top 3 Breathtaking Views) My quiff, the last vegan wagon wheel in the pack when you are alone, the crowd asleep during I'm Throwing my arms around Paris."
"15. (Ed - Question 15 was List your Top 3 Most admired people - dead) Why would I want my admired people dead? Are you suggesting I commit suicide?"
And then came the boredom:
"I'm bored already. I may come back to this. You will be the last to know. Why should we change a habit of a lifetime."
Alf's only appearance in the main bar of The Wrong Arms was to suggest we use a chat room. I told him that I couldn't remember where we had left any of them, to which he replied, "Skips, lifts, graves. I found one down the back of Soloman's sofa. No that's not euphemism."
I then found the old BRS Chat room, so a bored Moz (as Feeble Fed), myself and a couple of others went back to the old house. I won't publish the whole of our chat because not only would it take up far too much space, but I am wary that Morrissey is quite protective of private conversations, so I will only report things here that are of public interest.....which makes me sound like the editor of the Daily Fail.
One such thing of public interest is a conversation we had about: the song Blue Dreamers Eyes, my George Best theory, my mother theory and death:
ME: Is the George Best theory really wrong? I was sure you were pointing me there.
MOZ: Completely wrong. But again I enjoy seeing how your mind works.
ME: Then it is about you. And the hand on the belly?
MOZ: Your Mother theory could be correct there. Who knows?
ME: I've always gotten the feeling from your lyrics that you think your Mother will outlive you. Why?
MOZ: I think we all feel like that. Our starting point in life has not been as healthy as theirs was back in the day. We have more stress, eat more processed foods and our generation flood the NHS with diabetes and cancer. If you look at the celebrity deaths in 2016 most were in their 50's and 60's.
ME: You must have gone through a period where you were surprised you woke each morning. During 2016, were you almost expecting to be next?
MOZ: That made me laugh, how does one answer that? I suppose I ought to say for the benefit of the guests that I was willing myself to die each night whilst asleep. But this of course is not true.
(At this point someone called Mat interjected)
MAT: Sometimes I expect to see that headline.
MOZ: One day you will see that headline......On Altrincham Today
ME: Altrincham Today headline - 'Local Former Singer of The Smiths Dies in Wood End Care Home - Aged 112'
MOZ: 112?
He signed off by writing, "One must dash. The allotment does not weed itself."
M returned just over an hour later, stating, "Have I mentioned that I am frightfully bored?" and then adding, "What is one to do on a dreary Tuesday evening?....It is Tuesday?" The conversation was all pretty nondescript and forty minutes later at just after 6.30 pm, Morrissey exited again, signing off with, "Time for my seminal bath. Goodbye."
SEMINAL BATH - WE COULD DO WITH A MORE UP TO DATE PICTURE OF MORRISSEY IN THE BATH, THERE HASN'T BEEN ONE PUBLISHED FOR YEAR. RICKY GERVAIS PUBLISHES SUCH PHOTOS WEEKLY!
And now we wait to see if those questions I submitted get answered - either by Morrissey or Parody Moz, or perhaps both, as was hinted whilst we were in the chat room.
Last night I found it quite difficult to get to sleep. I was still buzzing from the fact I had spent the whole afternoon in the company of Morrissey, and yet for him it was a wasted afternoon, in which he was bored before it even began, was bored during it, and will have nodded off to sleep without a buzz in his body. It's a funny old world.
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